04/11/2003
Dear Dad,

The period of your sickness was very confusing to me – on the one hand it was an extremely special time – I felt very close to you and saw you often and we had interesting conversations on our family history and lots of other wonderful issues, and on the other hand I wanted your suffering to end and I didn’t want you to lose your dignity. It was very upsetting to see your frustration because of the lack of energy you had and how you couldn’t accomplish things you enjoyed doing.
Some people have said that we are “lucky”, and we had the time to say good-bye properly and prepare ourselves, well dad, the way you handled this horrific sickness kind of kept me believing, even if it was way down below, that maybe together we can beat the statistics. I remember the night we said good-bye before your first chemo treatment, you gave me a hug and said that I mustn’t cry because the doctors are going to make you better – I really wanted to believe you so much.
During these 18 months, instead of us being there for you, you were there for us – spreading your strength, will power, smiles, and knowledge.
You didn’t give up all the way up to 36 hours before the end – Martin, Yaron and myself were sitting on your bed and you asked them to describe the taste of the SA wine they were drinking and you were only hoping that your eyes would improve before the Rugby games starting in 3 weeks time. I really want to believe that up to that stage you still thought that your situation could improve and that you were in no major pain. You wrote: “I feel so tired that I just wish I could go to bed one night and drift away forever” – I hope that’s how it happened.
I already have so many things I need to share with you and get your advice on. Every night, in between waking up to the kids, I see you in my dreams and manage to “steal” some more special moments together and pretend that my real life is the dream.
I have told you before that you will always be my model in nearly all the aspects of life. I quote a sentence you wrote: “ I am overwhelmed by the attention I am getting from all our friends and the genuine concern they show for our well being”. Did you ever stop to think that you earned each and every one of those friends? I guess you didn’t, because that’s exactly the modest and reserved person you were.
Dad, I love you very much and each day that goes by I miss you more and more hoping that some day I will still see you – I don’t know where we will be but it will happen.
Your one and only daughter, forever,
Sue